Filling the bucket - a letter to Helen's teachers at Floris Elementary School

Hi Mrs. Baker,

This is Helen's mom. I have one positive feedback that I think you will enjoy to hear.

Soon after the school started, Helen talked to me about bucket in one of our nightly chat. It is about this invisible bucket that if you do something nice to others, you will fill not only theirs but yours too. Initially I was wondering how that would help a kid to understand this complex abstract concept of being nice to others. All parents have taught their kids to be "NICE" to others. Not sure they really know what it means besides just giving the swing to the othre kids to play and say hello and good bye, etc.

One night last week, during our bedtime rountine (reading and talking), I asked Helen if she has gotten to know more friends. She said yes. I asked her who they are. She said, "I don't know all their names. But I have different friends for different activities." "How does it work?" I asked of her. She said, "For example, I have play ground buddies and I have bus riding buddies. There are couple little kids on my bus always sit alone. I will go sit with them to be nice. I fill their bucket, also mine."

I was so surprised to hear that and glad to see that she is embracing this idea of being nice to others in an abstract yet very practical way. I think she got it in her own way. Then I thought about the reward bucket in most of the electronic games that kids play these days. There is no wonder the young kids took this concept in. You guys hit the jackpot!

As a parent, raising kid is a constant struggle, reward and learning expreience. Helen is my oldest. So I am stumbling all the time for lack of experience. I am so thankful that we run into teachers like you who teach our kids not just academic knowledge but also how to be a good, strong and useful person in the society.

THANK YOU!

Jeannie Otis

Son Alexanders transition to pre-school 1st time in his life

Alexander is 3 and half. Time to go to school! He was already demonstrating boredom at home earlier this year. Unfortunately we just don’t have any young boys of his age in our neighborhood for him to play with. So he ended up playing with boys much older than him or sister’s friends who are much older than him. It didn’t bother him a bit. He’d think that he’s just like that boy 9 year old playing there. He was craving for other kids so much that he’d approach any group of kids on his own, be the first to say Hi in hoping to be included, when we was walking in the neighborhood. So we thought that he’d have a blessing in pre-school. Little did we know that all kids are kid. They all have to deal the first schooling with anxiety.

For Alexander, it hasn’t been easy for him or us. He started his pre-school at Oak Hill Christian School this September 5^th. Mind you, this is not a strange place that he’s never been too. As matter fact, he’s been there so many times the year before since that’s where our daughter Helen attended her K-4 and K-5 years. To Alexander, going to pick sister up at OHCS was always a nice excursion. He would gladly go and never wanted to leave the classrooms nor the playground.

The arrangement for drop off and pick up is that Jim will do the drop off and I will do the pickup middle of the afternoon since my work schedule allows more flexibility. The first morning, Alexander was all dressed up in school uniform, happy and a little anxious. We took some pictures to remember the moment. He was all smiling in them. But that’s about as far as the happiness go. I was told by my husband, that Alexander cried and clang on his leg at the classroom door. Not sure if the first day drop off by me would have made any difference by providing more comfort. But when I saw him at school that afternoon, he was so emotional, wanted to cry. I could see him fighting the tears back. He would cling onto me, and held my neck tight like a turtle neck sweater. This kind of intense emotion at pick up time has lasted for the next week and half, just about. I am surprised to see him fighting the tears back at school always. Really not sure how I should feel about that.

From that point on, it’s dozens of times of “Mommy, I don’t want to go to school!” every day. Some time, he will add more details and reasons to his statement, like boring, scared, afraid… A few times lately, he would refuse to fall asleep at night. His logic, through his broken explanations is, “if I don’t sleep, tomorrow will not come, and then I don’t have to go to school”. When I figured that out, I felt speechless in my mind. Every time we get in the car, he will ask “are we going to school”. He will show the relaxation when the answer back is “No, we are going to the club”, or “No, we are….”

Now every morning, we have to leave the putting on school uniform to the last moment. When he sees them, he runs and swarms away as if seeing a scary ghost or something. He used to like to do seatwork at Helen’s work desk, reading or drawing. Nowadays, he’d contest to do homework (yes, they have homework for k-3 kids at OHCS). But he does have his happy moments about school. He can tell the names of all his classmates within a week. This is something Helen never was able to do. It’d take her a long time to remember her classmates’ names, granted that she always had a lot of classmates in her classes.

We have been doing a lot of the talks about why he needs to go to school and what’s good about going to school. I banned all the Mario game plays at home. That’s one of the big reasons for him to claim school being boring, no electronic games. The reason “going to school to learn to be smart” doesn’t ring any bell in his head. One particular argument that has helped is “to make your own friends, so that we can invite them over to party to play with you…”. His eyes lit up for that. For that, I actually will invite Alexander's classmates to a Pot-Luck that I am organizing at my house for Columbus Day. I have talked to some of his classmates parents about it already in front of Alexander. He is happy about that.

What I am particularly happy about is that Alexander is also unconsciously trying to figure out a way to make himself dealing better with the strong emotion of going to school. 3 days ago, Jim couldn’t do the morning drop off, so I sent Alexander to school. Since I know this school so well and the teacher too, so I hung around the classroom and talked to the teacher and kids and played their morning seatwork a little bit with them. The next day my son said to me “Mommy, can you stay at school a little longer? I know that he sensed the help to him by me being in the classroom. So I did ever morning since it first started. From that day on, he'd came home, always with all his lunch and snacks finished. I could see him being relaxed more at pick up time. Sometimes I even see smiles on his face. As of today, he still fights to go to school, but with much less vengeance. I am hoping to wean him off of this special support very soon.

But this hasn’t come all that easy. When the first morning I mentioned to his teacher that Alexander invited me to hang around at the classroom with him, the teach rejected with a good reason, and suggested an alternative – me and Alexander spending some minutes at the school library. She then further assured me Alexander’s day progress by email communication. I will include our email back and forth at the end of this write up for that is what prompted me for this blog piece.

How I wonder that parents will have more time to be with their kids, not to block them at home, but to company them in life in the society, to hold their hands and guide them on to the life journey, which could appear so scary from time to time. Don't we all wish that someone could be there to hold our hands when we are scared in life?

Teacher’s Note:

Hi Jeannie

Alexander is doing a wonderful job in class.

Thank you for being understanding about the morning drop off. I'm just trying to prevent sad students..missing their mommy and daddy too.

Thank you

My reply:

I totally understand and thank you for the update.

I am sure all kids will adjust eventually. The innate behavior of any of us is to be sure of safety although kids don’t appear to do that at playground. I tend to think that the term of “separation anxiety” in a young kid is tied to this innate ability in human. For little kids going to school for the first time of their life, they just need to figure out that they are simple going from one safe net (home) to another (school). Each kid has to find their way to reach that conclusion in their little heads.

I am glad that Alexander has figured out a way to make the transition, almost. That is if mommy hangs around and talks to people at school relaxed; that must be a place that he can hang around relaxed too.

When they finally make friends in the classroom, they will be much happier to be in the classroom. I remember the days when Helen would contest to us if we showed up a bit early in school to pick her up, because she wanted to play more. I am not sure if I should wish upon that on Alexander. I am afraid that it will come, and may be too soon.

See, life is so full of contradictory.

JZO